heyzz, MERRY CHRISTMAS(: unfortunately, im wearing a sackcloth this season instead of a christmas hat. joke right. but anyway not every christmas season is for partying one.

oh well. guess not everybody will live up to your expectations. like please lah dont just whisper sweet nothings and expect that person to take things lightly loh. im a noob okay.
i prayed that our friendship will stay at that level and nothing more. and that prayer came true.
his reputation just nosedived in two days. from bringing her to church and sitting with her. then not talking much. standing one corner with her. then the next day scandalous pictures were posted up on facebook. with an emcee? please lah. i know they are pretty in your eyes but to the extent of letting the girl kiss? that speaks a lot of your value system. instead of me putting on a sackcloth and grieving you should be the one. but i really thank God for this opportunity to be exposed to you so that i know who to keep a distance in future. its kind of sad to start keeping a distance from you even before we can become proper friends. i also thank God for keeping me from relationships until exams are over. i seriously think that this is bad enough to cause a person to be defocused. it takes just one afternoon talking and thats it, you are swept away.


i hate. absolutely. your glib tongue.
you cover up your actions by saying oh i cleared this and this with my girlfriend already so its fine.
that means you can let other girls kiss without a care? you go, guy. you dont go around playing with people's feelings so that you feel good about yourself. i dont want to be carried away by your suaveness and get myself into a mess thats not worth my time. how would people feel? after you ask them out and bring your beloved to the church the next few days? i dont blame you for doing that probably cuz you have been doing that for super long already. i pity those girls that you have conned.
even though i have said all these, i dont hate you and still want to believe that your a nice guy deep down.
but mum says that actions are more than words and i still cant internalise that.
that means i cant be talking to you for long and i cant be friendly with you anymore. thanks very much.
nice christmas present this season yeah.
but all these adds up to experience and im very willing to accumulate those. God ordained ones that is.
i really hope that there are guys that do not go for slutty girls only. then i will not be only left with a black pig to marry. just like what my dream turned out to be.


but anyway, i pray that you would one day turn around and drop that girl if she is not for you. i dont think you deserve her, but maybe in God's eyes, you do, i dont know. i really want you to turn around, be prayerful and repent for all you have done. (:

im still your friend if you need me to talk to you.

love,
emily.

Heyzz.. AFTER SO MANY MONTHS. Im finally back. now with a different purpose and feeling. Alex&Jack, Im sorry to say that though you were my friends were for so long, you would only stay that way. GOD HAS TO COME FIRST. (: im proud to say that. but i'll only say it once cuz its well known that there's pride in humility. learnt that from Elder Seah. ttm he rocks.

I really thank God for directing me to a church so I can experience His glory and the peace I never had all these while. While you are lost out there searching for the things of this world to make you happy, you will never find it cuz this thirst will be unquenchable. I rmbered that time in June when i was walking with Jiang yuan in far east looking around. this sense of misery and hopelessness plagued me. i looked around searching for things to please the eye and found many but none satisfied me. the feeling SUCKS. I never want to return to the person i once was and that feeling was so empty and so unbearable. people may attribute it to the hormonal changes or just mood swings but its no pure coincidence that this feeling plagues you with a sense of foreboding.

I thank God that my church is sound in doctrine and the feeling of joy and happiness that had me when i visited sunset in the evening was priceless. no money or love or friendship can exchange whatever God can give us. when you actually experience the peaceful feeling you never want to let it go.

i admit. it was initially not easy to give up the things of this world esp if they catch onto you so quickly and dont let you go. The romantic suspense books, the magic vampire chinese novels, the druggy house music, gossip girl shows, taiwanese dramas... the list goes on.
God had given me a few reminders. good ones in fact. i thank Him for that. if without Him, i would still be lost in the wilderness and not experiencing the life He wants me to lead. Right now, life is still in the process of rebuilding and all is not a bed of roses. but I believe that God has a will for my family and He will do it His own way.
Im currently listening to Handel's Birthday Ode for Queen Anne. suddenly it comforts me as I think God as our eternal source of light divine.

Ive taken a few big steps, like going for camps and leaving God to help mama at home, going for tracting and to sunset. I dont want to start all over again.

God with you,
Emily.

oh God. I'm at my wits end. I do not know what is coming for the next few days. Why should my mother so extra go talk to him? Its just like waking the devil UP.?? Why why why. should just keep quiet but no. you can't keep quiet. God will convict him and not you. Don't take the effort cuz its no point. He has not changed yet so don't talk to him. Oh God we really need your help and your peace. Silence them oh God.

hey alex, Tmr is a real busy day.. Busy as in real busy. Physically busy moving from here to there busy. Zzz. help me fall asleep? Musnt think too much. Short post this is going to be. so long alex, (:

hey alex, if I don't say this, I cannot sleep. All was well... Until today. Sigh. I ppl telling me I'm hu tu or I'm this.. That. I don't even do that to them wth. Its not even funny. You think now this princess attitude of yours can just put ppl down. It will just come back and bite you in the ass. All things are like that aye? If u want something you're just nice to that person and tan xiao pian yi is so horrid its a sin. I've come to realise that the friendship between us will just be like that, blowing hot and cold cuz its hard to progress if you don't open UP. I've stopped doing that ever since the end of last year. No need cuz its not reciprocated. Alex, I need to meditate. Getting angry before bed isn't going to help me sleep. Its like eating hot chili tuna before bed. I tried it before and ate the whole can. Almost died. (: Shit. Summore I have to go with her and she would look down on me.. She always does. With that princess attitude? Please lah. Like I saw the Damn word wrongly and she says no what.. Its like that. I'm not even asking you. So proud for what. I just don't understand. Even that girl in Sec 4 is quite proud, can feel it but she is always willing to help. Funny thing. I miss my old class and the ppl sitting around me.. I will always appreciate them. you actually don't appreciate things unless you've suffered. its just like that. I wish hc guy was here in my class and I can just heck all this bitching and live. that's why cliques DO NOT WORk. I don't believe in it. unless all are Likeminded that is. (: why was that happy face for? Seems as though there is some hope but just that there's no avenue for it to show. Ahh. I'm hungry. So angry till I'm hungry. At least shijie knows how to have some fun. -.- its just the way ppl act that makes you irritated. Alex, u know I'm rather sensitive So.. yeah..... That explains why I murdered someone. Dunno. Is it time for another? (: wait till I upload a more gothic pic. Hoho. alex, when will you ever be here in person? I have waited for 4 years alr. ): I know all my thoughts are rather random and stringed together inaugurated haphazard manner. but wth. I know you understand every sentence, every thought behind this. (:

Thats why I'm writing to you. and I know you'll always be here. (:
Chellest.

I hate you losers, all of you. Lazy creatures, close to good for nothing. Causing trouble everyday. Just get out and perish. Putting words into other ppl's mouths. Losssser. Ultimate. never ask permission then start using things. You don't deserve anything. You don't know self control and if we can't control you then the state will control you. That's better I guess. alex, wish u were here. to knock some sense into other ppl's dense minds.Getting other ppl into trouble and setting them UP.?? loser. want me to stop resenting you? Its kinda hard cuz I won't do it. Too bad.

Alex, be here. I'm always going to speak to you whenever I feel like this okay?

..... Hey alex, I want protected, undisturbed time to go out like complete my chores. I still haven't gotten that time so far maybe on a weekday when its super rare. If there's no pe then can go back at 1. -.- in a million years that is. Just very irritated when I think of People usurping the time that is meant for me.Its not for you so u already went out freaking yesterday and u have 3 tests this week and you still dare to go out. What about me? I know I'm asking what about me but you are Sososososososososo selfish to keep taking my time away from me.Now she has to go fetch you after school everyday and that is ridiculous absolutely. I don't think you are true to your actions and you're just wasting people's time. Alex, wish you could be at home everytime I come back from school (: oh man. I must tell you about the hc guy. )): its coming to the end already alex and nothing is happening. I wish something could but it happens in my dreams than reality. Harhar. Unrealistic. check. Wrong time. Check. Then if you were really here I don't have to feel so jealous. Mum always tells me meI don't get angry...I have to fully meditate in order to not please. Then we could just go and take pictures at night or any time of the day and you could just appear and disappear as time requires you to. That's why I always wanted a guy twin. Time is always not enough. For anything.

gggggggggggggrrrrrrrr.
Har. The flash of lightning just flashed onto me.. joke of the year. Sososososososososo angry. I wish my dream like literally dream can come through and you could hand me your phone. (: many times we meet yet it does not progress from there. Only recently did I open my mouth and told u I know you and u know me too. (: after this year we won't get to meet for the rest of our lives alr. But that's okay.

alex. I know its the wrong time to blog. But I have no choice.
I am plagued with so many issues. They keep coming. And they don't stop. What am I to do? Its like the reversed way. instead of me telling my problems. Disturbed, yes, very. then what. The issues end with me? I'm the final issue acceptor -.- other people might have their own problems but at least they do not have to bother about them. Its none of their business. But no, I'm part of that business I don't want to run. I guess I'm going alone this wed, then another time, alone. Wished I had a twin who could accompany me and share my worries. Totally in sync and we do not have to Quarrell. unfortunately life is such that its unfair and we're meant to suffer. If not we would alr be up in heaven. -.- alex, wished I could live in ur house with robin. I know u and her have issues but at least its not ur fault. Most of the time. (: then we will not worry about not having enough money. you could run with me. Feed the fishes together. (: you too are plagued with problems, more difficult ones. But u solve them somehow. Can you do that for me please? ): immortalize yourself and appear.

Lots of love forever!
Chellest

alex, i just remembered my dream. I was in a warehouse, like in an industrial estate kind of warehouse. It was raining very heavily and i was with someone running from the rain. there were many houses behind,not hdb flats, private properties that were pitch dark. people were already sleeping and im not sure why the warehouse had sun coming through the front porch. it had many holes in the ceiling, like it was made on purpose. rectangular spaces that the rain could come through. i ran across a road and many people were standing at the side, avoiding the rain.
I ran past them and went inside, and found the warehouse a paper front. behind housed many private houses. I ran into one house, it had no front door. I reached the kitchen of my junior's (amelia)'s house. It was dark and i was looking for something. suddenly she appeared at my side, asking what i was looking for. she was clad in a long dress and she had long hair. she wasnt surprised that i was in her house. She asked if i wanted to look in her fridge but i declined and left.


just like that a random one.
there was a better one alex, real heartwarming and worth thinking about. i went snowboarding with a friend. damn fun, sliding down a slope with a sleigh. ron was his name. real random.
then we had to move through forests that had mines and traps on the ground. there was snow everywhere. i remember this bridge that had a manhole and an x across it.
but i ignored it. then we were at the foot of a block, hdb flats where alot of people, students congregated. we were all looking for someone.

man, here comes the interesting part i shall leave out. (:

gtg,
love you alex.