My kids are the best 

They are so cute 

I love them. 

This is why I wna teach. 

Watching the show doesn't make things any better haha. 

This stupid cartoon called adventure time 

Freak stupid monster kept saying do you think I'm beautiful then the king said I wi always love you and since you're my beautiful wife I will always do. 

Liesfcking lies.   

Everyone lies. Including me. 

Why am I so comforted by the fact that I'm gna spend quality time with my bear. In the garden! 

Tomorrow bob and I will be going for a walk in botanic gardens... A nice long walk. And then to think life through and then maybe talk abit. Bob is really kind. He is such a sweet bear. He says we are going for a picnic too!  

I hope you're desperate enough to do something. Like something. Or maybe I'm the desperate one. Haha. I wish I wasn't. I wish I has a huge ring of guy friends who wanted to be together with me, to want to love me and marry me. But they can't cuz of you. And then they'll be there waiting to go out with me, cuz they won't want me to be lonely, and they don't really care if they wna be with other ppl cuz they NEVER want to. I really wish that could happen. And the amount of resentment that doesn't build up is awesome. Cuz you'll never take my word at face value, you'll never be able to blame me for not being able to spend time with them haha. 

You'll never believe it no matter how many times I tell you I'm okay. I hope you feel really bad about yourself for ditching our plans and believing me when I say I'm okay and pls go ahead. I'm getting better and better at lying. Cuz you just can't wait for me to say oh go and spend time with other people...cuz you know what? One day I won't want to spend time with you anymore. It will come full circle, things will flip over and face the other side. I can't wait for that day to happen. That you'll become me and understand how I feel. Finally. Haha I'm happy I did what I did so I won't be thinking whether you send me anything or not... Cuz I don't need to know you pretend to care. Cuz you secretly can't wait to sneak off and do your things... I just let you go la it's the best thing. Cuz then you'll fight to be together with me, cuz you'll be afraid of losing me. You'll be afraid that we won't have time tgt. You'll really want to treasure all the time we have tgt. 

You think you can get the best of both worlds? Having fun with them then ending the day with me?? Pls no. When I am working so hard at tuition, then having to find a place to go...?! Haha dream on that you can have it easy. Precisely because I don't, I don't want to make it any easier for others also. ESP those ppl close to me. I sound like a crazy person but really. Why should I give anyone a good time when I'm not having one myself? (: you tell me la. 

Haha see how you can do without me 

See how

Since you like yimas house so much right

Like to spend it with the fun and games

Cuz it's more fun than me right? 

Okay la I give you 

Tmr we don't talk don't meet at all 

You can't call can't contact me also 

Gives me a peace of mind so I can just go and give tuition and earn money and save it for myself 

Since you want to spend it with ppl like John and stuff keep going there and stuff 

Not like he is going to be home anyways you think he will be home to accompany you? I'm not your damn backup after him okay. I just feel second class compared to him cuz you're always chasing after him and running after him like it's so good then fitting your timings around his?? Come on. You either fit your timings or your timings. Not mine. Not mine. You don't fit my timing around yours then fit OURS around his. I'm not in a relationship AROUND johns timetable. I can choose to hang around outside alone, no problem. Tmr I'm gna bring Elmo around. 

Haha see how you can do without me 

See how

Since you like yimas house so much right

Like to spend it with the fun and games

Cuz it's more fun than me right? 

Okay la I give you 

Tmr we don't talk don't meet at all 

You can't call can't contact me also 

Gives me a peace of mind so I can just go and give tuition and earn money and save it for myself 

Since you want to spend it with ppl like John and stuff keep going there and stuff 

Not like he is going to be home anyways you think he will be home to accompany you? I'm not your damn backup after him okay. I just feel second class compared to him cuz you're always chasing after him and running after him like it's so good then fitting your timings around his?? Come on. You either fit your timings or your timings. Not mine. Not mine. You don't fit my timing around yours then fit OURS around his. I'm not in a relationship AROUND johns timetable. I can choose to hang around outside alone, no problem. Tmr I'm gna bring Elmo around. 

im not going to bother talking to you.


because you clearly forgot about me.


who does that.

forget about time.

forgetting about something so important.

now you say that im this and im that.



why would i say these things, why not because you just forget about me.


how about i try doing it back to you and see how you feel.

see how you like feeling forgotten and with nobody to talk to when you need someone.
or knowing that youre waiting when the other person has cleanly forgotten about you.

see how that feels.

if you can hide stuff from me why not i have my own space too and instead of unloading it on you id do it the way i used to.

just me and nobody else.

clearly really, just taking me for granted.

dont really need the big things to be telling. the small things would do.

Back here after so many months? 

What's the point of like saving so much time and trying to do as fast as you can while the other person can't be bothered to save time or to be early. How does that make you feel? It just makes you feel small and insignificant. Like why bother with people anyway. Since they're just going to let you down. Just do lab everyday la and be happy. 

But at the end of the day am I really going to be happy? Or am I happier alone? I really don't know. Maybe I'm really happier alone. When the whole romance thing fades off and reality sets in. Like the faults of the other person just clouds out everything else then I guess it's time to be alone? 

Why make the mistake of stepping into another ones house knowing that you'll never end up with that person? Why bother helping and saying all those things to help you to keep track of your time and be early but you don't even take an effort to. 

Previously you didn't want me to shut down. Now you seem like you don't mind me doing it. Why not I shut down on you and not say anything so you won't ever know and you wouldn't have to feel short changed or insignificant ever. When you get together with another person who actually doesn't mind you being late and paying games then I guess I'll be happy for you. Because I don't think that I'll ever be able to have that around. Another half an hour if we don't get this resolved if you don't bother coming up to talk to me I'm going home. Shut me out lor. 

Heyho. i can comfortably write here. Im sounding like Pia in the game rune factory. Its pia right not sakuya? i keep confusing them cuz both of them work in the same place. .....cant write a burdened post while listening to happy harvest moon winter music. Sometimes i get really frustrated with people.. i know i shouldnt be and i need to help them out but i sometimes think, cant you find it yourself? Like im at my wits end here alr and ppl keep chasing me for things which they can do themselves. Like its your own responsibility and why do you keep having to rely on me.. pls lah be realistic here singapore is each person for themselves when it comes to sch. not funny loh pls. im not RICH and i cant literally buy an education NOT LIKE YOU WHO CAN DO SO ok. i know God says we must help our brethren out so i tell you half the story. and you keep asking PLEASE DONT TELL ME YOU DONT KNOW where to get qns to do loh plz. you are from such a well to do background. What am i? then you act so friendly and keep your other half of your life away from me cuz you know that is something that i wont agree on. then i appreciate the company that God has provided for me in sch but sometimes it gets a little hard. And im not comfortable driven to sch every morning and neither do i have any inheritance. why is it that i dont really have like minded friends like in secondary sch when it comes to studies? ZZ last time friends those two were really sharing i tell you. assessment books we pile tgt and do and compare and we are serious though we were competitors. but i feel difficult if its like coming only from me and nth from you HOW CAN LIKE THAT? aiya mum also says that you are going away anyway so dont really need to care.... but again..im afraid our friendship would just be like ---------- that. a flat line. hmmm. like what is said. friendship built on sand would crumble at the slightest touch. @#$%$#@#$%$#@#$%@#$% zz just tired. good night.

I have things to care for that is beyond my age or so I think. Sigh. Right.

No words can describe how disappointed I am feeling right now.

Hey alex and Jack,

It feels as though I never started teaching at all and as though I never liked it in my life. It just feels as though the life has been sucked out from me and I dread preparing for lessons. Why does things turn out this way? I cannot comprehend.
Im sorry to all my students cuz they truly deserve somebody who would sincerely care for them. I used to have that zest till like what? Today, 5pm? With all these things going on around me I start to lose faith in the people and the profession. Is this what is supposed to happen? First my friends go, taking away all distraction. Then a new batch of "formal" so to speak people come in, then I'm left on my own. To think perhaps? Then the person I so look up to starts revealing the other side of her, making me lose ground. Apparently this makes her shortcoming more obvious. Another aim of God i guess. Why revere man so much when God is there?
Im more independent now, more reflective, anticipating the change of things around me. I dislike my workplace environment. To say that its not the least blessed would be an overstatement I guess. By right, im supposed to be preparing for my lessons tomorrow if not i would just smoke my way through.

This is not good.
Seems like teaching is not cut out for me after all. If I never had the zest for it in the first place I probably never would in the future. It'll all just fizzle out. Im losing hope and love I guess. I do not know what I would do if i end up teaching those classes for the rest of my life. just give up.

zzz.

Thank you dear Lord, You know just what I need. Thank You for giving me the chance today to speak at least that few words. Plus remembering antm that I could watch. Thank You again for helping me out. But I also will continue to pray that You will look after them in whatever they do and do not let them get out of hand dear Lord. That's why I feel that a limb is lost when another person leaves. I'm super sad. Please help me to manage my feelings when term 2 starts. I don't want to behave in an ugly manner when she is around. And I need to be nice and friendly to the new people that are coming in a days time. Eeeeps. Help me. These things are beyond my control and only You know what is going on and going to happen. I commit all things into Your hand. YAY. (:

Loving lots.

Heyzz. First time im doing a blog post via iPhone. No big deal here. I'm feeling rather disappointed with life right now. Seems that I'm finding lots of comfort in food and not wanting to so anything anymore. I'm also sad that my friends are going through all these. Why does it have to be a cas that things are always too good o be true. That peace always has to be broken? And fun always having to end? I'm tired of all these. Like even after exams I dont reallyget to max out enjoyment cuz of hindrances. Yeah I know that im not supposed to
lead a carefree life ( I think nobody does.) damn sian. Why must people
Be like that? Screw up themselves and all. I'm so sad that one by one they are leaving the workroom. Some ppl tell
me that they are unholy community and stuff so
I'm sad. With church friends I'm new and all so
I still fins it quite hard to break into their level. That's another consideration as well. Why is it that the friend I thought I could be good with turned everything around? As weeks went by I felt k morphing into another person. Eversince k left the school. I feel that he has become more withdrawn and acrimonious. I'm sad for k. But at the same time it's supposed to be for the better right? Then why did things go downhill from thy day onwards? I was stoned the next few days, then they got caught on wed. Fri results day. We met up on Tuesday and even Wednesday. And a few more unfruitful times. It seems that we are not meant to meet anymore. Why do things have to gonto this stage? I know the rest are not Of the same. So thats why I find it increasingly hard to hang out with them and play as we used to. This sucks. Seriously. I know God is doing things that make me sad but I know it's for the better. I know k has faults in speaking that way. I know. It's not like I don't. But why must things be made difficult for them? Why? I'm nor even them but I'm feeling so down for them. Ppl say that I shouldn't entrust my happiness on them but they have been my immediate friends for these few months. Even if we are vastly different we stil care for each other what. I guess it's cuz of how they are feeling thats why I feel bad for then. Like all children. Who doesn't like everyone to be happy with each other? I know ppl will say that we should lead our own lives but too bad I'm emotional and I feel for people. I'm just sad cuz it mo longer usd l be the time where wr just stayed back and marked in a group, playing badminton till late, then laughing lots. I think it's cuz I never had so much activities in a row before with jokers.


I find myself worried about things alot. I have God and my mum I know. But seriously I tell you. It's hard to even name some friends whom you have known so long to be friends of the heart. Maybe just me. I do think so. When I attempt to make some of my new friends one, things just fall apart after some golden ages. But looking back, I'm happy to have those past memories. Even if it's all that matters.



I dont know when we will ever speak again.
I'm tired.

THE WEXLEYS
their house- the abandoned nectary in France

heyzz, MERRY CHRISTMAS(: unfortunately, im wearing a sackcloth this season instead of a christmas hat. joke right. but anyway not every christmas season is for partying one.

oh well. guess not everybody will live up to your expectations. like please lah dont just whisper sweet nothings and expect that person to take things lightly loh. im a noob okay.
i prayed that our friendship will stay at that level and nothing more. and that prayer came true.
his reputation just nosedived in two days. from bringing her to church and sitting with her. then not talking much. standing one corner with her. then the next day scandalous pictures were posted up on facebook. with an emcee? please lah. i know they are pretty in your eyes but to the extent of letting the girl kiss? that speaks a lot of your value system. instead of me putting on a sackcloth and grieving you should be the one. but i really thank God for this opportunity to be exposed to you so that i know who to keep a distance in future. its kind of sad to start keeping a distance from you even before we can become proper friends. i also thank God for keeping me from relationships until exams are over. i seriously think that this is bad enough to cause a person to be defocused. it takes just one afternoon talking and thats it, you are swept away.


i hate. absolutely. your glib tongue.
you cover up your actions by saying oh i cleared this and this with my girlfriend already so its fine.
that means you can let other girls kiss without a care? you go, guy. you dont go around playing with people's feelings so that you feel good about yourself. i dont want to be carried away by your suaveness and get myself into a mess thats not worth my time. how would people feel? after you ask them out and bring your beloved to the church the next few days? i dont blame you for doing that probably cuz you have been doing that for super long already. i pity those girls that you have conned.
even though i have said all these, i dont hate you and still want to believe that your a nice guy deep down.
but mum says that actions are more than words and i still cant internalise that.
that means i cant be talking to you for long and i cant be friendly with you anymore. thanks very much.
nice christmas present this season yeah.
but all these adds up to experience and im very willing to accumulate those. God ordained ones that is.
i really hope that there are guys that do not go for slutty girls only. then i will not be only left with a black pig to marry. just like what my dream turned out to be.


but anyway, i pray that you would one day turn around and drop that girl if she is not for you. i dont think you deserve her, but maybe in God's eyes, you do, i dont know. i really want you to turn around, be prayerful and repent for all you have done. (:

im still your friend if you need me to talk to you.

love,
emily.

Heyzz.. AFTER SO MANY MONTHS. Im finally back. now with a different purpose and feeling. Alex&Jack, Im sorry to say that though you were my friends were for so long, you would only stay that way. GOD HAS TO COME FIRST. (: im proud to say that. but i'll only say it once cuz its well known that there's pride in humility. learnt that from Elder Seah. ttm he rocks.

I really thank God for directing me to a church so I can experience His glory and the peace I never had all these while. While you are lost out there searching for the things of this world to make you happy, you will never find it cuz this thirst will be unquenchable. I rmbered that time in June when i was walking with Jiang yuan in far east looking around. this sense of misery and hopelessness plagued me. i looked around searching for things to please the eye and found many but none satisfied me. the feeling SUCKS. I never want to return to the person i once was and that feeling was so empty and so unbearable. people may attribute it to the hormonal changes or just mood swings but its no pure coincidence that this feeling plagues you with a sense of foreboding.

I thank God that my church is sound in doctrine and the feeling of joy and happiness that had me when i visited sunset in the evening was priceless. no money or love or friendship can exchange whatever God can give us. when you actually experience the peaceful feeling you never want to let it go.

i admit. it was initially not easy to give up the things of this world esp if they catch onto you so quickly and dont let you go. The romantic suspense books, the magic vampire chinese novels, the druggy house music, gossip girl shows, taiwanese dramas... the list goes on.
God had given me a few reminders. good ones in fact. i thank Him for that. if without Him, i would still be lost in the wilderness and not experiencing the life He wants me to lead. Right now, life is still in the process of rebuilding and all is not a bed of roses. but I believe that God has a will for my family and He will do it His own way.
Im currently listening to Handel's Birthday Ode for Queen Anne. suddenly it comforts me as I think God as our eternal source of light divine.

Ive taken a few big steps, like going for camps and leaving God to help mama at home, going for tracting and to sunset. I dont want to start all over again.

God with you,
Emily.